2026 spring.

March 18.
Haven't been much bothered with writing.
Time has passed quickly.
Spring feels good.
I have no troubles.
All I been doing is working.
It has kept me occupied.
But I might go soon.
The salary is poor,
And the scheme is shutting down.
Someone called L left.
It felt sad, even though I didn't really like them.
Yeah, I am just hanging around.
More fool me.

March 28.
Sad and lonely days.
Keeping myself busy is hard.
I need to make the effort.

April 7.
Things have fallen apart a little,
But I'm not that totally fussed.
For a start, it's just me out here.
And for second it was bound to happen.
Going to try and sort things out.
Even though there's never been anyone,
I still can't get used to it.
Baby steps for now, it's the best I can do.

April 8.
Today was stressful.
Been enquiring with various careers consultants.
Today, one suggested I was lying about my work history!
Sick joke or not- that's not how you get customers.
And this saga with sending back the laptop jesus christ.
Meant to go to a relaxation class but was too stressed.
Still, I found another consultant who looks great.
They work with grads, so this looks like my break.
If only it wasn't for that laptop parcel business.
Been resting a lot since losing the job,
Exercising, reading, playing guitar,
Slowly getting into a sanity mode.
I look and feel better.
Even though it's still hard to eat.
Tomorrow, I'll keep picking through my tasks.

April 9.
Today I did 10k steps for the first time in a long time.
It was cold and rainy, but I didn't mind.
Done the initials on my consultant enquiries, I think.
Soon it'll be down to making a choice.
Started reworking my CV from the ground up
In preparation for when I go back to work in May.
Exercise has made me tired, so I am going to rest.

April 12.
Weather's been weird, started off warm, then turned chilly.
Just know the summer will be a tough one.
Finished my CV the best I possibly can.
In a week or two it will be back to the market.
But I want to speak to that consultant first.

April 13.
Feel dead. In one of those moods maybe.
Trying to force myself to eat.
Been trying to keep busy, calling round.
The parcel saga is finally over, thank god.
Going to wander around town again, I suppose.

April 14.
A real job can support a family.
I've thought about this my whole life.
And there's the answer all along.
No more questions no more mystery.

April 15.
Spring is nice.
Went to the library, didn't do too much else.
Set myself up with the consultant.

April 16.
Been practising breathing exercises.
They've helped me relax and sort my head out.
Spoke to the doctor, surprise not much help.
I may go back to study.

April 17.
The certificate came through the post.
No covering letter. Just the transcript.
The hard years that that took to get. The sacrifices.
And that's it. My graduation. How unceremonious.
But, what can you expect when you're not born into it.
And anyway it's time to get on track.

April 20.
I am done.
20/04/26.
Scares the fuck out of me to do this.

April 21.
Ate breakfast at a cafe, did my laundry,
Worked on that course, wrote up some places to visit.
My old drive finally failed. Annoying but inevitable.
A little expensive to repair, but I got my money's worth.
Tomorrow is a big one.

April 22.
The meeting with the coach was exhausting.
It was very much worth it however.
Of course, it's not the real deal,
Like virtually anyone else I ever met got.
At least now though things are different.
Second major breakthrough in one week.
So is this my real chance at life yet.

April 23.
NCS rebooked our meet at the last minute and had done no prep.
Just hilarious. Every time they amaze me with how outrageous they are.
Working on my job plan in the library today and tomorrow.
Plan is to go back to work soon, in the next few weeks,
But there's a lot of work to do about the long term.
I wanna be 1000% sure of everything, no matter what.
Discovered my old professor's email chasers too, oh god.
Seriously Prof. VJ? You want students' families to provide research data?
Tells you what kind of headspace some people are.
I've been looking after myself a lot more;
Walking, weights, eating well,
But today I'm eating a big fat pizza and going to bed early.
Can't believe it's still only day 4.

April 24.
Don't feel like blogging but not much to do.
Went walking today. Nowhere to go so just walked at random.
Ended up in a nice park and read for a while.
The weather is nice at the moment.
Did more research in the library.
Using AI a lot these days - there's a lot of choice.
Hmm.. I like gemini and copilot. Not so much perplexity and brave.
Applied for that contract job, no reason why not.
It's 4pm, day is pretty much over.

April 25.
Last night the flat upstairs went crazy once more, police again.
They're fine with me personally - they even gave me a chair the other day.
It was funny. The lady offered a drink.. absolutely no way.
Today was sunny. Went into town for some things and read a book.
Did an enormous job of sorting all my cables and equipment.
Finally - all my possessions, all of them, sorted !!
I thought such a task would be insurmountable.
Then I got my amp, pedals and guitar working.
Sadly, my old 7 string is broken beyond repair.
But I don't mind. It was a bargain after all.

April 27.
Went to the library in the morning and focused on work and courses.
There's a lot to consider:
Do I go for an industry qualification now or later,
And when do we deal with sorting the degree?
I got general plans laid down but too much see-what-happens.
Applied to a few jobs, not particularly hopeful.
An agency got the gist of my background though, which was encouraging.
Went shopping in town, couldn't find the right headphones.
Practiced on my Jackson for the first time to Judas Priest.
Feeling weird and paranoid.

April 30.
Random agency turned up out of nowhere and gave me 3 months' work.
This is starting to become a trend.
Pay is good - it's for a prestigious university too.
Unsure where this luck is coming from, but what about long term plans?
Keeping with resting, exercise, dieting, studying, healthy routine things.
It's hard to keep straight after all this time.
Weird emotional moodswings, crazy nightmares.
Feel like I can never trust myself.
But I don't want to get help just yet.
I want to prove I can do this to myself.

May 1.
Today was calm.
Went to the library, clothes shops, a cafe, the supermarket.
I walked a lot and bought vegetables, fish and rice.
This is going to be what I eat, to lose weight.
Finished that course, and nearly finished my book.
Breaking through this mental shell a little more.
Why am I so afraid, of just being myself?
It's not a crime to have feelings.

May 2.
It hit me today that it's not going to be possible,
To have a stable life or job.
I've never seen anyone choose their path
Maybe that's not possible, either.
So what's the point of adulthood
If we're simply slaves to circumstances.
Do I never get to reach adulthood
And just live a permanent adolescence?

May 5.
Last few days have been ugly.
Just got to rest this out.

May 6.
First day was okay. People are nice.
Back to the office like a regular joe, huh.
We'll see how this works out.

May 7.
Words cannot say how bad I felt yesterday.
It was a sense of tired beyond exhaustion.
Even then I could not sleep until early this morning.
Today I felt better, but I'll still take it easy.










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