Winter 2024.


December 1.
It's winter.
I'm busy these days.
Not work and study, but also.. just stuff.
Uni is going great. Really enjoying this SCM module.
The theory is fine, but the math is hard.
Got a meeting with a local company on Friday, amazing opportunity.
The SQL stuff.. that is going slower than I planned.
Council have said the gym downstairs should have had PP. Well duh.
The owner probably hates my guts. but fuck him.
Been working with a counselor. It's surprisingly tough.
Not overwhelmed, just busy a lot.
Anyway, gotta move.

December 5.
It's cold, rainy and wet. My favourite weather.
Working on my assignment. Going to meet the company tomorrow.
Also had some "green sustainability" virtual seminar. Interesting to learn about Indonesia.
Got my writing checked by one of the achievement guys, but don't think he was much good.
Right now sitting on a cold broken down bus. Rain is torrential. The streets are almost flooding.
Work is really grating on me. Tired of lying customers and complaints when I try to do my best.
After this, never ever want to be working in service again. No need for this bollocks.
I just want a half decent office job somewhere. And my own flat. A proper flat.
Not the stupid place I live in at the moment. How hard can it be?
But of course I want more than that.
The bus is moving again. This is very good news. Otherwise I would be very wet.

December 12.
Had a rubbish cold this week. Even my head felt like it was spinning.
Couldn't go to my shift on Sunday, see Jo, or go to the drop in class.
Feels like I'm getting over it now tho.
Work is exhausting. It's always so busy.
Plus I got caught out by a lying customer trying to send £15k to a scammer. Bummer.
My assignment is due on the 6th of January. Need to concentrate on this, time keeps flying.

December 14.
Everything looks very Christmas-y.
I hate this time of year.
Why can't I have a family too?
Or at least someone I can trust.


December 17.
My assignment is finished! Well, mostly.
Feel better from not drinking last night.
Passed my review at work.

December 22.
Life feels like shit.
Stuck inside the bottle, nowhere else to really go.
Keep having nightmares about my brother.
Don't know why. Haven't seen him for 20 years.
Do not plan on any time soon.
That old town is such a joke. It's fallen to pieces back there.
If I have done anything right in this bastard life, it was getting away from there.
It is horrible going through another Christmas alone.
I feel like I am a shop, and keep getting robbed.
Oh well Time to stop complaining.

December 27.
They let me work Christmas and Boxing Day.
Spending it alone was still tough.
I come from an abusive family though. There's no going back.
Never seeing them again, is the best present I could get.
The only reason to do so would be to collect an inheritance,
But no one has ever shown much interest in my basic welfare let alone that.
There's little if anything I need them for,
It just takes more work, and more time.
No going back to the past. That is done and now is now.

January 2.
It's a new year.
There's a lot I want to do. But, I want to take it easy, about how I do it.
In the past I've thrown myself into these things, and just bounced back to my old ways.
The most important thing is to control my drinking. Can't do anything like this.
Getting a little more healthy is imperative if I want to think straight again.
Handed my assignment in, hoping for a merit but may just get a pass.
Work is going ok. Got a little extra pay.
Oh, and my landlord is throwing me out, but he has another flat for me,
To be honest, anything is better than this dump.
This might work out after all.

January 3.
It got cold.
They're saying snow and everything.
I don't know what to do with myself right now.
Trying to figure out my plans.
Next semester is much later in the month.
There's lots to do, but where to start? What is relevant?
I built a little matrix to help myself out.
And I really need to go shopping.

January 4.
Feel terrible sometimes because my eating schedule is a mess.
Going to eat now, need to try and get back in the habit of regular meals.
The cause is this messy life schedule. Study here, chores there, then coming back at 12am after work.
Can we nail one square meal per day?

January 5.
I've been thinking a little about my family.
Not about anyone in particular, but how things turned out to be so bad.
There's no doubt that they are a cult of crazy narcissists. I doubt there is anyone there not buying into their own bullshit.
Yet how did it become so well organised? And why was I the only person to leave that horrible place behind?
I tried to save my sister and couldn't do it. But by then she was already an addict, so not a chance left.
What about others, why were they so committed to such a degraded way to live?
Having your own independence and refusing dependence, that is worth more than any kind of money.
Not being abused, intimidated and manipulated, the "secrets" the constant little lies.
And I still don't believe my brother is truly related to me.
Want to tell Jo tomorrow.

January 7.
They forgot to enrol me on the marketing module!
I could have done that over last semester.
The staff have apologised and been supportive, and even given me until September to do it.
It's only a 2500 word report, and I've done most of the work before on the competency module.
Will also be interesting to see how the SCM report comes back, so maybe an opportunity to improve from there.
Talking to Jo was tough. We talked about a lot of things.
I explained that me and my family don't talk because they consider me a threat,
But that is only partially true.
The rest of the reason is, is because they don't want to put any effort into the relationship.
Whatever, it's still entitlement.
Got to go to another town tomorrow, to pick up a laptop. Going to be a nice little trip.
5 shifts in a row.. meh.
And at some point need to get in touch with Zac, see this place he wants me to get into.
Sounds a little more expensive in terms of rent, but would like to see if it has a workable living room at least.
The cold has been tough the last few days. That is January.
See you later, diary.

January 8.
Managed to get over town and get that laptop. It was a hassle.
Then the classic bottle spill in the rucksack. Beautiful.
Five shifts in a row jesus christ.
Tomorrow I plan to go to the library and maybe the gym.

January 9.
Well today was a disaster. Tired from walking around 2 hours in sub zero temperature yesterday.
Laid in bed 'til 3, it was still -1.
Going to get into the habit of getting up earlier as a goal anyway, it's stopping me from sleeping properly.
Booked Monday off, these shifts are doing my head in.

January 11.
It's just been too cold.
My gas cut off the other day, could see my breath standing in my own bedroom.
Still, I cope by remembering how hot the summer was, and would take this any day!

January 15.
Thinking about Matthew.
What if they lied about him too?
Wouldn't surprise me.
I'll never know the truth.
Why did you have to die?

January 16.
Hate myself.
I am a hopeless drunk.

January 17.
Got up before noon, spent 30 minutes choring. Went to the gym for the first time in ages.
It was pretty good. Just did the treadmill for 15 minutes. Guy who showed me around was hella nice.
Went to work, got some early reading and sorting in.
These 12 hour shifts man..

January 20.
OK here goes.
Classes, work, chores, self care. This is going to be a busy week to manage.
Really wish they had not put lectures in the morning then late afternoon, but you know!
Back to back shifts as far as I can see too.
Can't complain now that I don't have enough to be getting on with.
Nothing in front of me is impossible but it will require not being so sloppy and lazy.
The hardest thing to sort is the reading. I really need to set proper times to focus.
That's difficult because there is usually a lot going on, and the lulls are unexpected.
Got to keep the faith.

January 27.
That was a tough week. It ended unsurprisingly on another bender.
Feel like complete shite, had to skip my Monday appointment.
Been mosying around to try and make myself feel better.
Really wish they had put my shifts in the afternoon.
Anyway tomorrow I am back to class.

January 29.
Wrecked my stomach two days ago eating excessively like a fool.
Classes are fine. The marketing assignment is dead easy, strategy doesn't look difficult. Got the top mark for SCM.
Only thing is this research project. Everything I think of, nothing seems viable for primary source data gathering.
Not totally worried, pretty sure I'll think of something.
Walking to work, the sunset was pretty.

January 30.
My stomach's better now. Hopefully it'll stay that way.
This morning we have two Strategy classes, then another research one.
Getting real tired of the job but can't find another place to go.
Gotta have a job somehow, the thesis might take until September.
Chloe tries to be nice.
Some motherfucker rolled me last week, she couldn't see a flaw in the call.
The arrogant prick lied constantly, could have cost himself his life savings.
It's amazing to see stuff like this in a job. And have to deal with it.
Today's going to be a long day.. and I have stuff to do tomorrow.
Going to take it easy on the weekend for sure.
January 31.
What a nightmare day. Tried to get things done and messed up.
Finally got a haircut but couldn't get a package at the post office and left my phone there,
Eventually got it back and now my legs kill.
Got some time off now..Will spend it more wisely.

February 2.
My current university cohort is so much better than last years'.
People actually cooperate, talk to each other, the atmosphere is more relaxed.
Last year was a joke, especially with those 3 pakistanis who were obviously up to no good.
My group for this strategy presentation is far easier to work with.
Louise is very quiet and difficult to approach but warms up if you talk to her.
Kelly is a little bit of a brat, but friendly and intelligent.
Harry is the rude boy at heart. We'll see about that.
Then there's Martin and Wilson, and a few others.
Walking with some of them, I felt a feeling like the one I had in college, a long time ago.
It was a weird feeling, like I was transported back to that time.
Felt like I was lost, so wretched. Not sure how to explain it.
Anyway, today I had a subway, then back to work.
It's going to be a busy week again. Got stuff to do tomorrow.
Gym, reading, writing, getting rid of that router and then.. work again!

February 3.
Today was a warm, bright winter day.
It feels like, for the first time I've noticed how poor this area is.
Maybe I've been ignoring it from myself, or dealing with it in another way.
But walking down this afternoon, it's clear how deprived it is here.
There are worse places of course. It's safe here, as long as you keep to yourself.
I don't have to live here forever, and won't be.
Still, it feels uncomfortable and eats into me.
I never wanted to be so poor, so broke.
Where I am now is better, yet it's still so hard.
Why do things have to be this way?

February 4.
Life is better after a sleep.
Today is theory, tutorial, gym, reading, work, shopping, then sleep.

February 10.
I beat Eliot at chess !
It was a great game. Close one too.
Jo got rid of me. How could she do that.
It's bitterly cold. Going to study, do coursework then early bed.

February 11.
Still shocked at yesterday.
I'm hurt.
What did I do to deserve that?
She kept mentioning about talking to them again. How cruel.
Can't stop feeling sad.
Thinking about buying myself something nice to make myself feel better.

February 17.
It's the start of a new week.
It is going to be busy, a lot to do.
But that is the way I like it.
Work is alright, but these modules are tricky to balance.
The group presentation is the next big thing.
This group is slow as fuck, but what the fuck.
Let's nail it..

February 18.
It is Tuesday the 18th of February, 2025.
I am so cold, tired, and hungry. My stomach is screaming with pain.
I've missed my classes accidently.
The weather is arctic, I've never felt it so cold.
Yesterday I received my first serious warning at work. This was something they already brought up, the customer which lied a thousand times.
There's so much to do, I need to go to the gym, go to work tonight, and attend 3 classes tomorrow.

February 19.
Why.
That's what I ask every time I take a call.
Whatever comes next is irrelevant.
Just why.
All of my peers, are either light years ahead, or dead.
I want a real job. That's all I've ever wanted.
This is nothing. It's pathetic. It is less than pathetic.

February 25.
I have never felt so exhausted.
Trying to balance work and studies is hard enough,
But the evenings are so boring and lonely that all I do is drink.
I just want to quit the fucking job. But the money is so important.

February 26.
The exhaustion continues.
I've slept most of yesterday, all morning today, still feel as if I've never been so wiped out.
Can't concentrate at work, falling behind on assignments.
And now Zac wants to move me into a fucking HMO.
I am going to focus more on resting.
Next week there are no classes for a week, so that is a chance to catch my breath.
And I've found a flat to move to, close to work.
Now just help me get through the 15 hour day tomorrow.

February 28.
Feeling better last couple days.
Had a good rest and meal today too.
Doctor's messed me around, made me walk back and forth from the pharmacy because they couldn't be arsed to email over my prescription.
Then the bus decided to be 30 minutes late. 2 hours wasted. Oh well.
It's not suprising that I am behind on coursework. Keeping up is impossible.
I will take a break and come back strong on Monday. And maybe take time off work the next week too.

March 2.
Becoming tired of living here.
The rubbish, the dirt, the smell.
This chucking out thing is bollocks too.
Guess you get what you pay for.
Living within my means but this is becoming a bit ridiculous.

March 7.
It's been a weird last few days.
I've kept up with coursework while doing back to back shifts.
Sometimes a stray comes round to eat meat.
She curled next to me and I realised I felt so tired.
Nothing seems to have stopped since moving here.
Zak says I can stay.
That is a major win.
They're paying me a bonus and giving me a pay rise too.
But the shifts are just killing me.

End of Winter.







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