End of winter.


28th February 2024.
Started a new blog again. Left it some time as was still licking my wounds after losing the old one.
Things have been quiet but they're about to get busy. Work and studies are starting to ramp up.
My job at the bank has started off alright. They are putting us on tonight, not too bothered, going to be a bit on the spot at first but generally confident after the training. Sure I will get the hang of it. There's a bit of confusion about the role and how we are getting paid & whatnot. For £20ph tho its fairly decent.
My Master's is going pretty good. On the part time route, there are two modules this year. One of them is a short business report which is easy, the other is a group work module where no one else does any work.
I don't like how watered down the course is but that's beside the point; being put with students who won't study is well not the best experience. I'll rant about that later :D
Apart from that life is boring. I watch movies, still make music, and drink a lot still unfortunately. I'm older now, and it has an impact on my body.
I've been in the city for almost a year and haven't reached out to social groups. But I never feel social or brave enough to get out there.
It's a nice city to be in. On the weekend I strolled on the beach as usual and went to a rundown diner and had a burger and coke. The local restaurant area has a little life in it.
Financially I am fine. Lost some money in p2p and crypto but have at least learned what not to do. Liquidated my stocks and making a few gains elsewhere. Making money is easy right now.
That was a lot to talk about.. but I need to have a rest before work tomorrow. Promise to write more, speak soon.


29th February 2024.
Happy leap year day.
Took my first calls last night. People were fine but there is an amazing number of different systems.
It's interesting to learn about the other side in the banking world. The calls seem intense but thereyou aren't expected to tak3e many at first.
Going back to call centre work is a shame but it fits right in perfectly with my studies, plus the pay is pretty fine.
Today I have a lecture to attend to, some shopping, then back to work again, hopefully by bus if it turns up this time..


1st March 2024.
Thankfully it's Friday. What a crazy busy week haven't stopped.
The day training is finished and we're on nights which gives me time for studies in the day.
This is good because my as soon as I finish one heap of tasks on the practice module, the programme leader will email over another pile. No time to do the business report research.
The idea of "group work" has fallen apart as the other students in my team won't do any work. Well that's not true, they have plaigurised a textbook a couple of times.
There are three people - Muhammad and Shaz who are serial liars, and Aimen who is too submissive and inexperienced. It's been 9 weeks and they have produced no work at all..
Not sure what the point of it all is when people act like this to be honest. I know it's university but it wouldn't kill people to be a little more invested.
Some contractor is supposed to do some work on the flat but they don't seem to be getting in touch. They need to fit a fire door so there's no getting out of it.
Plus all the other bullshit that keeps happening. It never stops !!
Tonight I'm going to take it easy, next week I'll be kicking ass.


3rd March 2024.
Went on my Sunday walk. Very sunny and pretty day. Wish it would warm up though.
I notice people here are happy. It's a dirty city unfortunately, but happy.
It's made me think. I could buy a 2 bedroom flat after my degree, maybe even have a garden.
I've never had a chance to really settle somewhere. There's real community here and also housing isn't ridiculous unaffordable.
If I don't settle here then where? Birmingham and Manchester maybe, but it's expensive.
Tried to get Access working on the university VM and failed, will have to try on the university network.


5th March 2024.
Starting to get worried about this course. I just can't keep up with the course work on the group work module.
It's supposed to be done by a team but since no one does anything I've fallen behind.
I'm furious with these lazy bastards. This is really affecting my entire course.
Well, I've caught up a little today, and have Thursday too.
Walked around the city, so much energy here.


8th March 2024.
Spent several hours at the library meaning to do several things. In the end I got one done.
Now need to finish the presentation talk today. Doubt I'll finish that.
Still have to do the presentation graphics, do all this reading, draft this claim, and DSAR thing. Oh then there's the report.
Broke my glasses too, so another thing that needs to get done.


21st March 2024.
I've been meaning to write a lot more. A lot has been on my mind.
New job has been alright. The card stuff is still tricky, though the internet banking stuff is OK. It's a lot easier with practice. People are just generally nice and easy to get along with too.
Getting back home is a small issue. It's an hour walk back, luckily there are a few people who go back that way. The area isn't exactly what I'd call dangerous-- still just common sense to be careful not to walk around town at midnight.
That group module thing too Jesus. Last Wednesday was the scariest day I've had for a long time: The uni dropped me from my group, accused me of leaving, and stated I have to start over (to do the work of 4 people over 3 months only with two weeks before submission!?) "You may want to think about rejoining your group" was the suggestion.
Now we've concluded my team sacked me for no valid reason, the uni faciliated it, neither followed process, and my team have done no work anyway. What a disgrace. That was a very very frightening time. My plan is to resit it over the summer and they are NOT capping it.
Things have just been busy - I find myself cleaning much more since moving to this city. Personal hygiene, clothes, bedsheets, hoovering. It's a dirty city, rubbish and crap everywhere, next door just leaves their rubbish everywhere.
Want to make this claim, applied to DSARs everywhere. Picked up my new glasses; still can't sort my passport.
Still need to read for this report and write up - the deadline is a month away but there's just so much to do all the time and I'm getting tired, not managing my time well. Need to crack on.


28th March 2024.
Life is plodding along without much fun. Work, study, that's about it.
Won't be able to finish all the reading in time for the report and the job isn't exactly fantastic.
Always tired and seems like there is always stuff to do. Still worn out even if I sleep in.
They've been doing work downstairs and have turned the water off, cheers for that!
I'd really like to get away somewhere. Like Spain, or France, just somewhere for a change, but not much money and no passport.
Can I survive 18 more months in this horrid little flat?? Not much choice is it!!
Oh my executive degree and not so executive lifestyle, how I love thee.
But seriously, I could make more effort to meet others.


5th April 2024.
I am done with alcohol.
Took down my computer, that will work for now.
To be honest, I was done with it a long time ago. Why did I keep falling into it?
I suppose I was trying to live in the past. Or maybe I was ashamed.
And am I going to be ready to face life sober?


7th April 2024.
Day 6 of sobriety. My last day of drinking was Monday, I think. So Tuesday will be a whole week.
Spent all week in bed. Meant to go to the library but brain feels like it's fried.
It's like something's scraping at the top of my skull, can't focus on anything.
What feels stranger is the idea of being, well sober. Not being a drunk in other words.
I can't remember being clean for a very long time. Only as a teenager, not in my adulthood.
I've had rest periods, but I can't remember the last one. I drank hard the last few months, all last year, the year before.. well who cares.
Went shopping today, there was a bad crash outside the supermarket. Saw someone being cut out of a car by a small army of firefighters, police and paramedics. She looked quite badly hurt.
Now I've got to get ready for work.


8th April 2024.
Nearly a whole week down. This is the longest I've gone without booze in - I'm not entirely sure.
Maybe there was a time last September? Apart from that, maybe the October 2021 when I went sick.
Then the first month or two of 2020?
Apart from that, always heavy boozing. I was through with it in 2020, but what was there to do then. Wandering the street like a homeless person. Fucks sake.
What keeps me straight now? Well I am just emotionally through with it. I am also concerned about the withdrawal effects. Feels like there is stuff moving in my brain.
I really, really need to get on with my studies.


17th April 2024.
I've been doing well for cash recently and work is fine Still haven't finished this report but going to submit it next week.
Now it's the next module - can't wait to get that over with.
The weather's been great recently, it's warming up finally.
Have cut down on my drinking in the last two weeks, need to keep it up.
Meh, not else much to say.


24th April 2024.
One of the things that makes me so sad and angry is my general lack of options.
I know you can't have it all, but I've missed so much, and just seem to live life in the gutter all because things were bad a long time ago.
No property, no car, everything has to be cheap. And you can't impress people like that, they just look at you like crap.
I guess that's because I am crap. Why bother with someone like that when there are plenty of people out there with money.
What I need is real options, real money, not just plans in my head. Except it all requires connections. I can't do anything with nothing.
Whatever who cares about some loser. When you've not got money and status and friends, you've got nothing. You're subhuman.
The calls at work have been tough recently. Yesterday I had one for an hour with a guy with a speech impediment, a brain disorder, multiple issues, and a chatty personality. It was the most exhausting call in my life. Then after that some bitch trying to get a midnight transfer. Women like this throw their kids into the mix just so they can buy drugs or whatever.
Need to get to town, wander around. I'm thinking about buying a DSLR (a proper one, not the cheap crap I keep buying)
Speak soon.


25th April 2024.
Maybe the biggest thing is lack of money.
Sure I can pay for food, rent get from A to B, and buy alcohol and the occasional piece of electronics, but that's it.
I don't much, stuff I own is functional but aged, my clothes are cheap and my trainers are always bust.
Most importantly is the lack of real purchases - a house, a car, a significant investment of some kind. That is the real heart breaker.
And without showing you've invested in something - at least financially - people don't take you seriously.
When that is off the table, how else can you find anything? You are stuck at the bottom no matter what you do.
If coming from a background in care didn't matter, why am I always somehow with other people who have also been in care?
Because I'm a stupid idiot? Definitely not. It's because shit like this, it follows you around even if you and no one else can see it.
You start out poor, live poor and end poor because that's the way it's "supposed to be". I resent it.


28th April 2024.
Tomorrow I'll tell the tutor that I'm doing that group project bullshit alone.
Then, I'll do it this year. What do I do in the summer? Get a second job? Study? Or drink it away?
Life has never seemed so meaningless.
I've stripped everything away.


29th April 2024.
Ha, got a straight pass for my report. Will ask one of the AA staff but guessing it's one of those.
Being fair, it's relieving to just get a pass. Would not be surprised if at least half of the group failed. I think Dr. K likes to throw around his big academic balls around. Or maybe he just hates teaching.
Trying to plan ahead for this deferred module, not 5 portfolios to submit thank god but a fair bit of work to do.
Going to be spending more time in the library for sure.


3th May 2024.
Another day another dollar. Been at the call centre for 3 months now.
The job has its perks. It's easy money, the calls are sometimes interesting. But I really dislike working in this kind of role.
Sure it's just a stopgap while I finish my degree, but I am tired of stopgap jobs.
The weather looks set to get hotter. I miss the cooler weather already.
Oh I lost my phone! Stupid idiot, left it on the bus. Well it was mostly broken anyway. RIP phone.


8th May 2024.
My days are out of control. I sleep, work, drink, it's out of control.
This is going nowhere. I need to pipe down and get a grip.
Meant to go to town earlier but left it too late. Got food and my prescription instead, and chased the mobile people.
Turns out they blacklisted my phone for.. no reason, cheers.
Shit like this, it's all there's to do in the day. This last module has been a disaster.
Still I'm out of my mind, fucking myself up, asking myself what am I going to do?
Just need to cut the crap and get a grip. Feeling angry and sorry is one thing, fucking myself up is another.


15th May 2024.
I need to specialise my days. Can't juggle everything at once.
For instance today I intended to study. But I also needed to buy new shoes, sort out some accounts, email people, scan some documents, return some books, buy groceries shopping, take out the recycling and the rubbish, tidy up..
Can't concentrate like this. If it's a study day, it needs to be a study day. Need to stop getting distracted by other bullshit. It can wait.
Oh, and giving myself a week off. To get myself together a little!


16th May 2024.
Success! Managed to crack on well with my studies today without many distractions. That is a first!
There was the surgery call which was a real pain - the receptionists knew nothing and I had to call twice - then the remedial works for the flat - apparently they're simply busting and they can't be put them off any longer.
Apart from that made some good progress, feel much more confident.
It's amazing how toxic it is to be constantly disrupted. But the truth is I need to set things aside and focus on them better.
Might turn things into "study days" and "sort days". Mixing sorting and studying always leads to misery.
Tomorrow I need to go to the other university library on the other side of town and get some books. Then back to the closer one.
Same routine for Saturday.


17th May 2024.
Another success ! Managed to complete a few hours interrupted study.
Had to deal with a bank, which was a nuisance. And get a haircut, some tough socks, new headphones and that DVD.
It's really tough to try and avoid the temptation to be reactive. At the same time, once the chores start piling up it is nothing but misery.
However, we are on much better track now. The main thing has been nailing this routine around work.
They are running a "support group" for the disastrous group work module. I have little to no intention of finishing it this year, but not showing up is hardly going to work in my credit. There's still the matter of taking them to the ombudsman. No need for this kind of bollocks from people.
The weather is warming up now. The buses were crammed full. Those single deckers aren't cutting it. Thankfully the library was cool and QUIET.
Work tonight again. They rolled out more training yesterday, more training !! But it was no biggie. And tomorrow is my last day for a while.
The job does my head in sometimes. But the money is good and I get along with people, especially Chloe. This is her first team since her promotion. She's so nice, it's awesome. I'm definitely buying her something as a thank you soon.
26th May 2024.
Feel really down with this university. Should have gone somewhere proper or the OU. Fucks sake, why am I always making such awful mistakes ??
At the time it was incredible to have an offer, was stressed out from everything, but still..
There's a lot I need to take responsibility for too. Always beating myself up. Not facing reality.
What is stopping me? A lot of fear and shame. Toxic stuff.


27th May 2024.
Wow what a silly day. My cards stopped working making it difficult with the buses, V didn't show up, all the libraries were closed and turns out you have to pay for the museum, forgot my sunglasses, stuff that.
Finished a chapter in the park and fed a seagull some monster munch. They didn't like it.
I'm going to start taking more charge of my health as I look and feel like shit. Here is the new plan.
Number 1: Get up by 10am every day at least.
Number 2: Always eat breakfast, even if it's just toast or a piece of fruit
Number 3: Back to the 3 day exercise routine, even if its just 5 minutes to start with!
Number 4: Allocate "sort out days" and "library days" and turn them into a full time job.
Number 5: Try again to cut down my drinking, as it's damaging my sleep.
There's a lot to do over the coming weeks and I am not helping myself doing this living in a bottle routine.


28th May 2024.
So here we go sort days. Had a sort day today. Started with a sleep in which I really needed. Looked for my running shoes, couldn't find them. Had a shower, shaved, breakfast, began washing, laundry, tidied my kitchen, hoovered, fixed the smoke detector, emailed the COP people, emailed the union person, sorted a new money app and set all that up, dealt with bills, cleared out emails and sorted the laptop recorder. That alone took 2 fucking hours. PB didn't even show for our appointment. Thanks you bastard.

But then I had to get cash from the cashpoint, look for replacement toothbrush heads, go shopping, get rid of the rubbish and recycling, cook a snack before work. That all took almost another 2 hours and I still have to make calls, tidy my storage, sweep the yard, then go into town and find running shoes and brush heads tomorrow then go for a run.
I want to study but there's just so much to sort out. Anything online requires filling in forms and going through security and advertisements. And the constant washing too. This is a dirty city to be living in, clothes and myself don't last long before needing washing.
I've a feeling things are not okay. My head is really not together. Maybe it's the drinking, that can't help. But the bad dreams are always the same.
Taking a holiday hasn't seemed to help. Even though I didn't go anywhere. So what the fuck is wrong with me exactly? Can't relax.
And now back to work.


29th May 2024.
Been focusing on relaxing. It feels amazing. I never realised how stressed and agitated I was.
Had another sort day, but not much of one. Made some phone calls, went into town and bought running shoes, and those heads. And that's the last time we're going there for a while, it was so busy you could barely move like it was Christmas or something.
Got the electrics to sort and the yard to sweep but tomorrow it's back to the library for definite.
The gym downstairs is opening up and starting to play loud music. Great! I called the estate agents though and they got in touch with my landlord who owns not just my flat but the property downstairs.
Hopefully they'll listen as I actually pay the rent unlike their other tenants. Or maybe the gym will just send goons here to kick my head in.


6th June 2024.
I'm not finding the luck I want in this city.
Should I have gone to Birmingham anyway? Not that BCU was much fun to deal with, and nowhere there would I be on an MSc. Still I just feel out of luck here.


19th June 2024.
Things have been going a little better recently. They offered me a permanent position at work.
Spent today doing the forms, choring and shopping for food. Learning to get out of the house before the gym starts, so far so good.
Thinking about going to a different uni if the current one keeps acting up.
It's hotter now, summer is here no doubt.


4th July 2024.
It's voting today! Today I will vote for the first time in my life.
I know exactly what I want. Goodbye Tories.




End.

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